A New Creation: In Progress...

Finances

2011-09-14T12:58:00.000-07:00

So latley Jenny and My Finances have been really on my mine. I hate that money is controling my thoughts, but it does. I wish money did not mean as much as it does. Maybe it does not mean anything, but for some reason I put it on this "Pedal Stool". I want my controling thoughts to be the Lord (like it use to be). I remember when almost everyone of my thoughts was the Lord. That was when I was the closes to Him. I still feel like I am close to Him and I still feel like I lean on Him, but its not like I would like it to be. Its hard cause I want to be the best I can be in everything I do, so when my relationship with the Lord is not the best that it could be I get angry at myself.
Jenny and I just started to tithe. Its hard for me to give more money away. I am looking forward to it though, cause we are going to be challanged to give our finances to Him. The thought of weekly tithe makes me think of another payment that I owe. So in my mind its like, car payments, house payment, duke bill, phone bill, water bill, and tithes. It bad to group my tithes with those other early things but I do. I just pry that the Lord will work on my heart and change the way I think. I dont know this is something that has really been on my heart.

50 days till school is over!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Long Time

2011-08-12T10:51:00.000-07:00

So its been awhile since I blog last. I have been reading Jennys blog and it got me in the mood to blog myself. Lately I have been working and in school. I am in paramedic school currently and have been since last November. I get done with class this November. (I CAN'T WAIT) This past year has been great. Jenny and I are starting to learn how to live with one another. We have learned a lot about one another. I have been in school and have had so much support from Jenny. Its really cool to realize that not only will finishing school help me out in my career, but now it will help out my family. Jenny and I are so blessed to be at the Jobs we are and to have one another. Not only do Jenny and I have one another, but we also have a dog. Bentley is so much fun and I love having him. I love coming home from work and he is right there at the door waiting to greet you. It is one of my favoirte things about getting off work. Right now I really feel like my life is going great (Knock on wood). I have a beautiful wife that loves me, an awsome dog, a wonderful family that loves unconditional. I now am an Uncle, thanks to my sister and brother-In-Law having Caleb. I have some of the best friend in the world. All in all life is good.

Random thoughts for the day.

why do i get annoyed with people

2010-03-26T12:12:00.000-07:00

So i have recently realized that i really get annoyed by people and what they do or say. For what ever reason i am very critical of ppl. I dont know why cause i am not perfect but i guess i just am set in my ways and what i beleive, that when someone does or says something that does not agree with that i get annoyed. Its like once i have decided that a person annoys me i cant even listen to them without getting mad. I dont know i dont like that i do it but i just cant see why they do that, but its really me not them, but in my mine its them.

Well anyways it the greatest time of the year. MARCH MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love march for this reason. I love college basketball, and in march the best games are on. The basketball games seem to just put me in a good mood.

I have been reading a lot more then usual so thats been sweet. I started on Acts a few weeks ago and have been reading it and now jenny and i are doing the 150 psalms in 150 days since march 17th was 150 days away from the wedding. Its been really cool cause i am actually sticking with it. So thats whats been going on in my life since it been awhile since my last blog.

141 days left

The Man I Want To Be

2010-02-22T09:35:00.001-08:00

So there is this new song by this country artist that i reall like. His name is Chris Young. He also sings another song called black dress, which is a fantastic song that talks about getting his girl home and dropping her black dress. So its pretty sweet. But anyways back to this song which is called "The man i want to be". The song talks about a man who is talking to God and asking God to make him into a new man for his wife. Some of the lyrics are so cool cause they are some of the same things i have prayed for, for the past 5 years.

God, I'm down here on my knees cause its the last place left to fall.
Beggin for another chance if theres any chance at all that you might still be listenin
Loving and forgivin guys like me, I've spent my whole life getting it all wrong and i sure
could use your help cause from now on

I want to be a good man a do like i should man
I want to be the kind of man the mirror likes to see
I want to be a strong man and admit that i was wrong man
God, i'm asking you to come change me into the man i want to be

If theres anyway for her and me to make another start
could you see what you could do to put some love back in her heart?
Cause it goin to take a miracle
after all i've done to really make her see

That i want to be a stay man
I want to be a brave man
I want to be the kind of man she sees in her dreams
God, i want to be your man
And i want to be her man
God, i only hope she still believes in the man i want to be.

Well i know this late at night the talk is cheap but Lord dont give up on me.
I want to be a givin man
I want to really start livin man
God, I'm asking you to come change me into the man i want to be.
_________________________________________________

So this song kind of says everything that i have wanted for Jenny and my ralationship.
I want God to come change me into the man that i really want to be.
I want to be His man and I want to be her man. But i want to be His man first. I want to be a strong man (Spiritually) which is a work in progress. i want to be able to look in the mirror and like what i see.

So for me i feel like this subject is a broken record for me but its whats on my mind the most. How i want to be a different man for the Lord and if i can do that how i will be a different man for Jenny. I have 173 days until i am married. So from now until then i am going to become that man. Mark my work, i need to be for Him and for her.

God I am asking you to come change me into the man i want to be.

Nothing really to crazy

2010-01-30T20:31:00.000-08:00

So there is was really nothing to carzy that has been going on since my last blog on the 27th. I have been working and doing a little YL stuff. I go to go up to Oak hills on Thursday, which was really cool cause all of my co-leaders were there except for mike. We got to meet some new teachers and just see some kids. We ended up spending close to an hour at the school. Then on Friday i got to watch the fourth quarter of the boys bb game and watched a kid that i no but really dont no play.
Its really crazy how different high school is now compared to a few years ago when i was in. Maybe its just the size of Oak Hills compared to Taylor, but i feel like a high schooler is a high schooler no matter where they go. Its just so much different the way kids interact with each other and the things they are getting involved with. I guess that just the progression of kids today. I just started to think about it after going up to the school and hearing to girls argue over getting "layed". I guess. And then after i bowled on Friday night i saw 2 kids fighting out in public and the one kid took his shirt off. IT WAS 17 DEGREES OUTSIDE, ARE YOU NUTS. i just laught and they were fighting over who was more drunk. Again i guess.
Then today i went to a Swim/dive meet at UC for Oak Hills. I have never been to a swim meet and let me tell you, they are weird. Its like "be quite" then cheer then, "be quite" the cheer and it goes on and on. But anyways i saw a few guys there which is always good.

Did not read again today.

195 days left.

Communication

2010-01-30T20:18:00.000-08:00

1-27-10
So why is it so hard for two people to communicate with one another? It seems like I am asking myself this question a lot lately. Why can’t I tell her what I want when I want and how I want? I love her and care deeply about her but still, she makes it hard. And apparently its not just hard for me its hard for her too. We had a fight tonight over paint. LOL yes paint. We are getting ready to paint our house and we are trying to figure out what colors we want. Well I brought it up tonight while watching tv. I felt bad cause I can watch tv when she leaves so I suggested we do something, so I went and got the paint schemes that we got from home depot. Well it seemed as if she could care less what I was doing and made that very clear since she never got up and looked at anything with me.

I guess the biggest issue we run into is that we think we know each other so well, which we do, but whenever something is said a certain way or not said at all we get hurt by it, cause we thought it would go different. Like with the paint. I thought she would want to take more of a role in it. I guess not. Well that lead to me being a total ASS, but when emotions are running wild we do things that hurt others. Because of the way I acted after that it caused her to leave, which really sucks cause I did not get to see her the last two nights but I was so angry with her at the time I did not care.

Had an ok day today up until that whole episode. Had to work which was super busy and then I got to do a hang out night with my YL team. I was really looking forward to it and was very happy to have it at my house. The goal for the night was to not talk about any business and just be with one another cause there are some people on the team that think some of us don’t care about each other. Mike made dinner which was very good by the way. After that we played a game. The game was really cool and got all of us talking and laughing. I guess I build things up in my head to be something, and then when they fall short of that I get my feelings hurt. It’s just I thought we would play this game and then just hang out and just be with each other. Well the second the game was over it seemed as if Beth and Alison had to be somewhere else. It’s just made me feel like being with there team was not a priority. It kind of funny how the same people that complain are the same people that cause some of the problems. It just hurt my feelings to see them do. I felt like a gas station where people just come in and use the restroom and then just leave. Its like if there was no restroom here then you would not even stop by. Like I said maybe its how I built it up in my head but regardless I was hurt.

Did not read again today.

199 days left

Trying times

2010-01-30T20:16:00.000-08:00

So its hard to blog when you have no internet at your house so this blog and the next are actually done be on 1-25-10 and 1-27-10.

So the more I thought about the whole air port job thing the more I realized that the air port job was something that I wanted for me, and was not something I wanted God to help me with. The job was something that I thought would make me happy with my life, but in all reality if I would have gotten the job I would still be lost with the Lord. So actually by not getting the job I realized all this, so I guess God knew that so that might be why I did not get the job.

So today I did not feel very well, I had to work and had a migraine. Outside of the head ach I had a very boring day. We had no runs which always sucks cause it sets up for a long day. After work I had to go home cause I am an idiot and turned the heat of in my house, (which in freezing temp. that is not a good idea). And the more I thought about it the more I realized that me turning off the thermostat this morning is exactly what I have been doing in my life. I am an idiot and have turned the heat off in my life and not allowing any heat to come in. (heat being Jesus) and the only way the heat can come back on is for me to come home and turn the thermostat back on. No one is going to do it for me cause no one else has a key to my house (house being my heart) I am the only one who can change any of it, so I can leave the thermostat off and have my pipes burst which would be really bad, or turn it back on and have heat throughout my house. So I just need to decide.

But anyways had Yl tonight and it was sweet cause we have two guys that came this week and last week. They are two really cool guys, Nathan and Ryan. Nathan goes to Elder which is going to be weird but cool for me (cause of my strong dislike for the catholic church). And then ryan who is a swimmer and a soccer player and recently lost his dad. So hoping to get to know him to a point where I will be able to talk to him about that.

Working a 24 hour shift tomorrow at the delhi and hoping we are busy.

Thats what i love about sundays

2010-01-24T20:42:00.000-08:00

What does it really mean to be a spiritual leader? Its hard for me to say what that means or what that looks like. Its hard for me to resemble something i have never seen before. Its hard cause i know jenny deserves a better spiritual leader. I find it hard to be that type of leader sometimes. Anyways that is something i pray about often and struggle with.
I had a pretty good day today, relaxed for most of it. Got off work this morning at 6 am and came home and slept till about 12 noon. I love my sundays. It is just suck a good day! Jenny and i did our devotional today which was really good. We are doing this devotional on getting married, (Cause we are in 202 days) the hardest part of the devotional is actually doing it. We always find excuses to not do it, (and when i say we i really mean me) but the times we do it has been good. We have alot more to do in it so the big thing for us is just going to make sure we are doing it every week. Its cool to hear what jenny has to say about somethings about what she wants marriage to look like. We have been able to talk about SEX, living together, sacrifices, living for one another, and much more.
Anyways today was a good day, another day with no reading, well i did read in the devotional if that counts, not sure, but hey we can count it. Well long day at work tomorrow and then YL tomorrow night.

You take me back

2010-01-23T19:53:00.000-08:00

So today was a good day for me. I was driving home from work this morning and was able to help a friend out. What made the experience awsome was the fact that he had been out all night drinking and even though i do not support that type of life style i can still be apart of his life.
Along with that happening i got to listen to some jermey camp today and i played you take me back and it was so cool to hear the lyric and how much they actually mean to me. I love where it says,
You satisfy this cry of what i am looking for...
You take me back ALWAYS....

These two lines mean the most to me cause they are so true.

Anyways its been a good day, still did not get to read but have been really worshiping Jesus with my thoughts.

Tomorrow is sunday and i will get to see jenny and i am just praying that i will be able to see her for the beautiful women she is and not always want to look at her boobs.

I really need to work on this cause it is really starting to effect the way i am as a man and the way i am as a spiritual leader. Which is another issue in itself.

Long day

2010-01-22T19:32:00.000-08:00

So i work all day today with no runs up to this point. It has been a long day. I wish Miami township would be alittle bit more busy. I started to think about the way i spend my days when i am at work, and i realized just how much time i waste doing nothing. Dont get me wrone i love sitting around watching tv, but why is it that i feel like i would rather do that then read my bible or pray. I was listening to Jermey Camp coming into work yesterday and i realized that when i am closes to the Lord, i listen to Christian music. its not that country music is bad or anything, but i cant get any worship out of if. being the type of person that i am, (not liking to read) i need different ways to feel Jesus close to me. So i usally pray a lot, but lately that is all my realtionship is with him. Me talking and not listening, go figure. So last night i worshiped the Lord, and it was awsome. I really do miss that in my life. So for me right now i am making a goal to make sure that when ever i am in my truck that atleast one of the songs i listen to, is going to be worship quality. Now by no means is this going to take over my reading cause it cant, but it is atleast something more then just praying. This way i feel like i can receive something back from the Lord.

I did not get a chance to talk or see Jenny today which sucks cause i will probably not see her tomorrow, but hopefully i will atleast talk to her. Its really crazy how by not talking to someone that you love for just one day makes you want to see them that much more.

I am getting married in 7 short months and i am really nervous. I am going to be living with a women (other then my mom, and sister) for the first time in my life. I am going to be sharing my whole life with this women. Now dont get me wrong i love her, but how is that going to be. I am so set in my ways as far as how i live my daily life, and in 7 months that is all going to change. I am excited about it but very nervous. I am nervous that i am going to disappoint her and make her cry because of something i am going to do or say. I mean lets be honest, i have a way of saying things that can hurt people.

Well for the next 7 months my goal is to start to prepare my heart and my mind for her living with me. We will see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

My Thoughts

2010-01-21T21:49:00.000-08:00

So it has been well over a year since my last blog but I want to get back into it so this is my attempt to do so. Recently Jenny and I started this journaling thing to help us communicate better cause we have been struggling with that. I suck like most of the time with staying consistance with something. I wish i could make more of an effort sometimes. For me just making the effort to accually do something would make a world of difference.

So hopefully by using my blog again i will be able to journal my thoughts. Today suck. I found out i do not get to move onto the next phase in the air port job. I really wanted this job and i hate the way i build these jobs up in my head cause they only lead to disapointment later. I wish i could prove to myself that i am more then just a township firefighter. I mean i love working in the townships but i feel like i have more to offer to the fire service then just a township poistion. Maybe not! Anyways Jenny lyed to me today about what she was feeling. This has been an issue as of late for us, Not sure where it all started from but not completely sharing our feelings is where we have been at. I just wished she would have told me what she was feeling. She got mad cause she thinks i told my mom about the air port job before her. I did but i only did cause my mom asked. Any ways i feel like i am at the point where i dont know where to start to read in the bible. I already hate to read and not knowing where to start compounds that hatrated of reading.
So enough writing i am going to bed its late and have to work tomorrow morning.

Past month!!!

2008-07-27T18:35:00.000-07:00

So it has been a while since i posted last and i know i said i was going to try and start consistently posting again but yeah. So anyways things have been going great. For starters Jenny and i got baptized!!!! it was an amazing experience, that i would not traded for the world. It has been cool to see how getting baptize makes Jenny and I feel when we are together. We have both said that we just feel different about our relationship. I truly feel that after getting baptized that God was giving me the ok to take the next step in our relationship. I am convinced now that Jenny is the women for me. I really feel as if God wants us to be together, and that He is going to do BIG things in and through us as a couple.
So as i am typing this blog right now, i am sitting at the fire house, getting ready to go to bed. I just started working 12 and 24 hour shift this past month, and let me tell you, THIS JOB IS SWEET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love this job and love coming to work. Lets just say that there are only a few things in this world that i would be willing to get up at 5 a.m for, one of them being GOLF and another would be to come to work. It is so sweet!!!!! When i go to bed the night before i have to be at work, i am like a little kid on Christmas eve, just so excited to get up the next day and see whats under the tree, well i am so excited to get up and see what my day is going to bring. Just recently i got cleared to drive the squad, which means that when we get a run i am driving lights and sirens. Yeah i no kind of crazy, i legally get to speed and cooler then that is i get payed to do it. Its been great finally getting to work, and "being in the real world with a real job".
So yesterday was my birthday and i am now 20. WOW i feel like i am old, but i know i am not at all, its just 20 seems like that age when you have to grow up and start being an adult.

Well anyways i hope all is well with everyone else and hopefully i will get to blog more now that i am working more!!!!!!!!!!

Great Week

2008-06-11T23:35:00.000-07:00

So this has been really cool to start to post regularly again, it something i have been missing for a while.

The past 3 days Petey and i have been reading. We have been reading for an hour every day, and it has been unreal. I have really started to dive into the word and really look deep into what i am reading. I have been reading Matthew and it is wonderful. I feel as though Matthew has so many good challenges for me to try.
So between reading everyday, playing Golf and, and passing my test i am having a great week.

Short post but there will be more to come!

I Got it Honest

2008-06-11T01:16:00.000-07:00

So for the past 10 months i have been working on getting my EMT card so i can start working for the fire house. I have been working some hours here and there but i am not on the schedule ever since i did not have my EMT card that i needed. So i went through the class and its a two part class and for the first part of the class i did ok, and when i say i did ok i mean i only passed by like 2 points. Now in this class anything lower than an 80% is failing so i really got an 82% in the class. But any ways so i barely passed the first part of this class. And so going into the second part i was a little nervous because i heard it gets harder as most things do in my life, but you know. So i went into the second part and right off i struggled. I could not get the grades i wanted on the test and just really had a hard time. It was not even the bad grades that made me the most mad. It was the fact that a guy in my class who was struggling like i was started to cheat. Now i know about cheating cause without it i am not sure if i would have made it through middle school, but that is another story. So any ways this guy is cheating on EMT test which is stuff that he really needs to know if he wants to save a life. So as i began to fail this class i see him succeed and it sucks cause the guy that is sitting next to me has the highest grade in the class.
So to make a long story short i ended up failing the class and he passed. So i had to re take the second part of the class over again. This time i passed it and felt really good about things. But just like everything in my life there has to be a test that says that you are good enough. So this test is called National Registry. This test is designed to fail you and it is really hard. Most people fail it at least once if not more. So that guy who cheated through class now went and took this test and has now failed it three times.
In a way i feel sorry for him but then again he put this one on him self. So i took the same test he took and failed it once and just passed it on Tuesday. So it is really cool to see the 10 months of hard work finally pay off. And as bad as this may sound i am glad that i passed after failing only once and he has failed three times. So as of Tuesday the 10th i am an EMT in the United States. Mark it down, it was a great day to be Kyle Crofford

Praise JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So this song is very fitting for me in this situation and it just so happens to be one of my favorite country songs so.......

It aint nothin but a small frame house on an acre lot
It aint that much diffrent from any other house on the block
And it may not look like we got all our share of the promise
But at least one things for sure, I got it honest

Roll out of the sack every mornin, head on down to the mill
Give em all I got for eight, cause thats the deal
If youll check out my paycheck
Well, youll see that there aint that much on it
But evry single penny Im paid, I got it honest

I never had to hang my head in shame
For puttin a price tag on my name
Never turned my back on what I believe
Or let my heart be ruled by greed
cause buddy if I didnt earn it, I dont want it
That way I can always say, I got it honest

Now you aint looking at some dude
That was born with a silver spoon in his mouth
And I might seem like some kind of low-life
To that high-falutin crowd
But Im plain spoken, straight talkin
And damn proud of what I have acomplished
Some folks appreciate that and some dont
But, I got it honest

Now when I die, I may not leave my kids a fortune
But I hope they knowd my life stood for things that were important
And Ill hand out the same sturdy old values of my daddy and my momma
It made me every ounce of what I am and I got it honest

I never had to hang my head in shame
For puttin a price tag on my name
Never turned my back on what I believe
Or let my heart be ruled by greed
cause brother if I didnt earn it, I dont want it
That way I can always say, I got it honest
Friend there aint no doubt about it, I got it honest

more struggles

2008-04-21T22:01:00.000-07:00

So the past few months have been kind of tough for me. As most of you know two Colerain firefighters died, and as a firefighter it hit home for me. Going into this career i knew the job was dangerous and stuff, but when this happen i realized that that danger is real. For the first time in my life i am scared. Not a scared of the dark scare, but a scared for my life scare. Now before you think it or say it, i love being a firefighter and would not want to do anything else with my life. These firefighters dying is not going to make me want to do something else with my life, but they have made this job more real and made me think of my career different. The thing is Robin and Brain (the Colerain firefighters) were doing what i will be doing if i go on a fire run. They were doing what i am trained to do. Its hard because its not like they were doing anything wrong, or it was a large industrial fire, it was a typical house fire.
On top of the firefighters dying i lost one of my grandpas. My Grandpa Bowen was a really unique person. He had a tough love about him, that just makes you laugh. It was really hard for my family to see him in the hospital for a week or so. He was on a ventilator and could not talk, but he could hear us and just shook his head yes or no. It was an eye opener to me, just to see what 50 years of smoking can do to a person. Although the situation really sucks there was some good that came out of it. My sister and i got to get up and talk at his funeral. We both decided that our number one goal in talking would be to share the Gospel to our family. So we both shared at the funeral, and it was great, i feel as if our family knows a little something about the Lord now. Hopefully the seed has now been planted and the Lord will put someone in there lives to water the seed and help it grow. And you never know that person my just be me.

Well seeing people you know die is never easy to deal with, but turning to the Lord always seems to help. But guess what i have yet to do that. I really dont understand it sometimes. I know that i love the Lord and that i am living for Him, but what the Hell am i doing. I have to be the worse Christian in the world. Its hard for me because i have this weird thing that goes on in my brain that is hard to explain, but i will try, its like every other though is "Jesus" it crazy, it will be like thought Jesus thought Jesus and its hard getting around it. Its cool and it sucks at the same time.
I have been struggling to be in the word consistently for the past 6 months and nothing seems to be getting any better. I can tell that my daily life is effected by it, my relationship with Jenny is effected by it, my thoughts and words are effected by it, my life is effected when i am not reading, so if i know this then why am i not in the word.

Who knows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry this is a post i have been working on for about a month

I want to be close to the Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-04-02T22:47:00.000-07:00

So it has been a really really long time since i last blog. I have been avoiding this blog for quite some time. I knew i needed to blog and get somethings off my chest but i just could not bring myself to do it. So to start i finally passed my EMT class. To me this has been the hardest, worst, best, and most emotional 9 months of my life. For the past 9 months i have been going to this class that i have hated and it has sucked. I have had to study my ass off. (sorry i did not know what other word would really express how much i have been studying) To be real, i have not really been myself for the past 9 months. I was in this place where i knew i did not want to be, and therefore i was not happy. I have been so stressed out over this class it is unreal. This class has consumed my life it feels like.
So as you just read i have been stuck in EMT school for the past 9 months and i would say that in those 9 months the only book i have read is that EMT book. Yeah that means i have not read my BIBLE for the past 9 months. yeah go ahead and say it, i suck. And the thing is i had plenty of time to read i just chose not to, why, i don't no. I am not really sure where Jesus and i stand right now. I do no that i love Him and i no He loves me, but outside that, not to sure. I have not grown spiritually in 9 months. I have not been in the word in 9 months, i have not done anything with the Lord in 9 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So now that i am done with EMT school, and the 9 months from HELL, i feel as if an elephant has been lifted of me. I feel so happy and energized. I got to go play golf for the first time this year. I went by myself and just talk to God and vented and let go of somethings that i was holding on to. I read my Bible (and when i say i read my Bible i really mean listened) for the first time in 9 months. I have thought about the Lord, like i use to. I feel as if i am starting over.
So to finish up, EMT school sucked but i am done and i am trying to pick up my relationship with the Lord again and find Him and be with Him. I want to be challenged in my walk again, i want to see Jesus in a new light and walk with Him. I want to be close to the Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Coming back Home............................................

2008-01-17T22:14:00.000-08:00

So its been a while but in that time that i last blog i have learned so much. I have been brought to tears with so many issues. I truly feel as if God broke my heart. For the past few months the desire to be in His word and to be with Him has been a joke. It kills me to think that the God who created me just wants to talk to me and have me listen to Him, but yet i want to listen and talk to this world. I have learned for the first time in my life what a true and real friend is. As mush as i want to call my fire class mates my friends, there not. And its not because of personality differences or anything like that, its because the one thing that I NEED in my life, they can help me with. They can't give me the spiritual support that i need. The support that i need from my friends.

This past week i was given the Bible on MP3 and i put it on my MP3 player, This may not seem that big to you but to me this has been the best tool for me. To have someone read the Bible to me has been amazing. I am on Matthew 22 right now, and having someone read it to me, i have picked up on more things then i ever did when i read these chapters myself. For the first time in 6 months, i want to be in the word. This simple MP3 has started me on the path that i want to be on. I have began to worship every night in song and sing to my God. Here are the songs that are on my play list..........

Mac Powell and Fernando Ortega - Our Great God
Mercy Me - God with us
Instrumental - How great Thou art
Leanne Rymes - Amazing Grace

I have learned that when i try to PUSH God away, He PULLS me to Him..

Every day the Love of Christ Amazes me....

I know why i feel so good right now, I am coming back home to the Man, yeah that where my Father lives............................................................

Jenny and Me

2007-12-21T23:03:00.000-08:00

So the past few month have been pretty hard on Jenny and Me. To start off Jenny decided to come home for good. This was pretty hard on her and there was a lot of tears. I felt like the worst boyfriend ever because i never knew what to say or do. It was hard for me sometimes to talk to her because i am not good at the whole crying thing.
Next Jenny and i have struggled with keeping a God centered relationship. Its not that Christ has nothing to do with our relationship, it just we struggle with our alone time. If we could be like we are in a group setting all the time, there would be no issues, but its not. Just like every other guy in this world i struggle with lust, and when it comes to Jenny, the problem is the worst.
There have been times when i will look at her and only see her for her " Features" AKA .... her boobs. I know i suck as a boyfriend.
It really hurts my relationship with J.C. because in a way i don't want to give Him that control over my life. It almost as if i like doing it, even though i know i don't. Since my relationship with the Lord suffers, Jenny and Mine does too. As the "Spiritual Leader " in the relationship i feel as though i am failing. To be honest, Jenny is probably closer to the Lord right now then i am.
Sometimes i wonder if i love Jesus more than i love Jenny. Cause if i truly loved the Lord more then Jenny wouldn't i want to spend more time with Him? I think so.

Sorry its been so long since last post but trying to get back into it.

What my journal has to say........

2007-11-14T21:27:00.000-08:00

The Scripture teach us the best way of living, the noblest way of suffering, and the most comfortable way of dying ......

No person is well educated who is unlearned in the Bible.......

The Bible contains the mind of God, the state of man, the way of Salvation... read it to be wise, believe it to be saved, and practice it to be Holy........

The devil is not afraid of a Bible that has dust on it.......

Other books were given for information, The Bible was given for transformation.......

No one ever graduates from the Bible, until they meet the Author......

Be careful how you live. you may be the only Bible some person ever reads.........

A Bible that is falling apart probably belongs to someone who isn't........

A through knowledge of the Bible is worth more than a college education........

One who uses the Bible as his guide never loses his sense of direction.......

Carrying a Bible will never take the place of reading it.......

We should study the Bible as a privilege, not as a duty.......

The Seven Words From the Cross

2007-11-12T13:16:00.000-08:00

This past week or so i have really been looking at "The Seven Words From The Cross". These are the last seven things that Jesus said. I have been learning a lot from looking at these words and trying to find out where in the Bible they relate to.
Its so crazy that while Jesus hung on the Cross He asked God to forgive the very people that had put Him on the Cross. This was the first thing that Jesus said while on the Cross.... (“Father, Forgive them, for they do not know what they do.”)
“Today you will be with me in paradise.” This statement is one that i have really been looking into, because of my view on weather or not Jesus went to Hell for the three days. I have spent a lot of time looking at documents from scholars about this.
"Behold your son." And he said to the disciple,"Behold your mother."
“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” AKA “Cry of Dereliction.” at this point it is believed that Jesus was separated from God for taking on our sins. A scholar said that it was recorded that He seems to be acutely aware that He was alone, powerless, and dying.“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’ is the first verse of Psalm 22, this is cool cause even when Jesus was being put to death He was quoting Scripture.
“I thirst.”
“Father, into your hands I commend my spirit.”
Before Jesus took His last breath He said, "It is finished" this last statement is my favorite because it really brings all Scripture together. Jesus said in Romans that the wages of sin is death. tetelestai which is what Jesus actually said, in this time period was what the bank sent you when you made your last payment on a debt. This statement meant you had payed in full what you owed. So by Jesus saying tetelestai He was saying that our wage of sin was payed in full by His Grace.

Pretty sweet.......

The Greatest Man in History

2007-11-06T11:22:00.000-08:00

The Greatest Man in History Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.
Had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.
Had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.
He had no army, yet kings feared Him.
He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.
He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.
He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.
I feel honored to serve such a Leader who loves us! ... "If you deny me before man, I will deny you before my Father in Heaven.

Being good enough

2007-11-06T11:03:00.000-08:00

The past month or so, my life has been based off of being good enough.

Deep down inside of me I think I am good enough, but then something happens and it makes me question it. I have been brought to a place where I feel like I have to meet a certain standard or else I will be a failure. My biggest fear in life is failing, so when I do fail I feel broken.

In the past month I have been a failure and have been successful. It’s hard for me to want to love God in my times of distress but I know He is the person who can comfort me the most. I have learned more about who God really is in my life in the past month then I have in this past year. He has been the only thing in my life that has never failed me, and even when I fail Him, He still loves me.

God is the rock in my life and i am so very bless to have Him.
To not have God in my life would be like Tiger Woods not having his 3 wood. He just is not the same golfer with out it.

Why is it that i hate so much?

2007-10-14T22:45:00.000-07:00

So lately i have realized that i hate a lot of things. Its funny cause i hate the word hate and yet i always use it (I just did it there to make a joke). But any who i feel like sometimes i "Hate" good things, and i "hate" things that i should enjoy. Like i "hate" Church. For some reason i really do not like church. I know this is bad, but its true, for some reason i can not convince myself to get up on Sunday morning to go, yet I know i should and i know that church should be a place to be fed at but i can get into it. Now i have gone to many churches of different denominations and i can honestly say that there is not church that i can get up for every Sunday and want to go.
For anyone who does not know me i "hate" reading. So this makes reading the Bible really hard sometimes. I have never been the best reader in the world to start and i have just gone from that to just not reading. Not reading hides that fact that i can read very well i guess, so i don't read a lot of the times. I feel like God is going to laugh at me like people do when i don't know how to say a word, but thats totally not true, but thats the way my brain works. The only way that i will read is if its something i am into. Most of the time this is sports. I have no problem reading about sports and whats going on in the world of sports but when it comes to just reading a book, i cant. So for me the hardest part about reading the Bible is, finding something that i want to read. I look for passages where i can really relate to and this helps a lot.
Not only do i "hate" to go to Church and read i also "hate" to write things down. I guess the fact that i cant spell would explain this one. I have to be one of the worst spellers in the world, my goodness. Sometimes i feel as though i should have to go back to like 3rd grade an re-learn how to read and write all over again. Since i started this blog i find it very easy to write, first off i am not technically writing, but you get my drift, and secondly i love having a spell check, this makes writing so much easier. I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So these are just a few things that have really been on my heart, and have been what i have been trying to solve. So any suggestions would be sweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Singing to Jesus

2007-10-11T22:54:00.001-07:00

I love nothing more than to listen to my music. Music is such a powerful way to see God in my eyes. I love worshiping God in my car when i am driving. Its funny because when cars pull up next to me at a light, they see this guy with his music up soooooooo loud and just yelling these word out at the top of his lungs. I know just as much as those people that i can not sing and i don't claim to. So they get to hear my horrible voice for the length of the red light, but thats fine with me.
I am so happy that my voice sounds just as good as Jeremy Camps and Mac Powell's, in God's ears. I am sure this is a good thing cause i sing to God a lot and if it did not sound good, well God would not like me!!!
Lately i have been listening to Jeremy Camp, and let me tell you he is amazing. Just listening to the lyrics is so powerful. He has so many great songs and so many that mean something to me personally. One of his songs that i put on every night to go to bed to is an old hymn called "Give me Jesus". The lyrics are simple but powerful. Its such a great song to sing too and has brought me to tears before. So hear are the lyrics........

"Give Me Jesus"

In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise
In the morning, when I rise

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I am alone,
When I am alone,
When I am alone,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

When I come to die,
When I come to die,
When I come to die,
Give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

Give me Jesus.
Give me Jesus,
Give me Jesus.
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
You can have all this world,
Just give me Jesus.

So yeah simple yet amazing. I know this may sound weird but i want this song along with others played at my funeral. I want everyone to know that Jesus is all i wanted in my life thats it.

Did Jesus go to Hell?????

2007-10-10T20:51:00.000-07:00

When we think of Jesus, we never associate Him with hell, but should we? This blog is not the end all, but it is one side to the question. So did He go down to the bad place? From what i have found i would say YES!!! Lately i have really looked into this topic and have found a lot of things from both sides, but i have always sided with Him going to Hell. Now i have really look into the Bible and i can tell you for sure that it does not say anywhere that He did or did not go to Hell for those three days. I have found some verses that lean towards Him going to Hell. And they are.........

Isaiah 53:9-11 which says..

9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.

10 Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the LORD makes his life a guilt offering,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.

11 After the suffering of his soul,
he will see the light of life and be satisfied ;
by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.

Matthew 12:40 which says....

40For as Jonah was three days and three nights in the belly of a huge fish, so the Son of Man will be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth.

--(The heart of the earth is used many time in Scripture to indicate the Heart of a man, which the Bible says numerous time is exceedingly wicked. Wicked is used four times in Scripture to describe Hell.)

Ephesians 4:9 which says....

9What does "he ascended" mean except that he also descended to the lower, earthly regions.

Luke 16:23 which says...

23In hell, where he was in torment, he looked up and saw Abraham far away, with Lazarus by his side.

--(There is a footnote in the Bible that says Hell as it is used here is the Hebrew translation of Hades. Hades is suppose to be the Hebrew word for Hell, but this is not totally true, Hades is never used to describe a place of suffering, and Hell is definitely used to describe a place of long suffering)

So what do you think? I would love to have your comments on this topic and see what you have maybe found...........

What I would give the World For.......

2007-10-09T21:16:00.000-07:00

If someone where to come up to me and ask me, " if you could have anything in the world what would it be?" i would respond by saying a Christian father. Every night for the past 3 years i have prayed for my father. I have longed for him to know Jesus in a personal way. I have longed for him to know that he is forgiven for his sins, and has a spot in Heaven waiting for him. I find it so hard to pray for him sometimes, when i see how he treats my mother. I wish i knew what a Christian marriage looked like, and how it functioned. I wish i could look at my father and see God in him and want to be like him.
I can tell you that treating Jenny right has really been a struggle for me. Jenny is the most amazing women i know and has a heart for the Lord, and is, and has been a blessing in my life. I try so hard to treat her like she deserves but i still fail. I find myself acting just like my father, and treating her the same way he has treated my mother.
Lately has been good as far as my parents are concerned, they are seeing someone to fix things and it has been great to see how that is playing a role in their marriage. I have learned so much from my parents and know that they love me so very much. But years of mistreatment is starting to come out in me.
I would like to finish by saying, i will always pray for my earthly father and i know that God will answer in His own time, and my earthly father will one day be united with my Heavenly Father. This will truly be the best day in my life. But for now i look at my earthly father as the man he is, and try and show him the love that God shows me every day.

Religions, and such............

2007-10-09T00:03:00.000-07:00

Is it ok to question Christianity? Is it ok to think that another religion might have some truth to them? What makes Christianity so right? I truly believe that Jesus died on the cross for my sins and was resurrected. I believe that Jesus is the way the truth and the life. (John 14:6) but i can not honestly say that another religion is wrong. Saying that Muslims, and Jews, and many other religions are wrong is not my call, i am not God. I am still going to share with them the good news of Jesus Christ, but i do not want to tell them that their faith is wrong and mine is right.
Many people may disagree with me on this one and i am fine with that, because i have checked out other religions for myself and i can tell you that before you judge a religion check them out yourself. I think that you too will find things out that will make you think.
Now i am not promoting another religion, but i think it is good as Christians to accept all people no matter race or religion. I think that Christians have a bad name because so many judge other religions so poorly. I hate to say this but when you look at other religions they seem to practice what they preach more so then today's Christians. I feel as if for some Christ is just a symbol of their religion and not a person they worship and have a relationship with. I hate the saying, "I am a Christian, but i don't practice". Thats is the stupidest thing to say. Why be something your not?
So in clearing this all up i Love Jesus Christ and want the whole word to know what it feels like to know that there is a spot in Heaven waiting for them. But i do not want to ignore what they have to say, and i want to try and see where they are coming from and why they believe what they believe.

A "great Chrisitan" ?

2007-10-07T23:15:00.000-07:00

"I wake up ever day trying to live life to the fullest"! My hope is by saying this it will make me out to look like this "great Christian." It sucks because of some of my actions from day to day that make that "great Christian" thing a joke. So in a way i feel like sometimes I am living this double life that consistently eat away at me. I try so hard to keep people out of my deepest problems and struggles so that way they only see the "great Christian" in me.
I wish I could let every person that i come into contact with know that I am not a "great Christian." I feel as though people could relate to me better if they knew that i struggle with some very deep stuff, but sharing those deep struggles is what gets me. As a male in today's society we are told to not share our weaknesses and or our emotions. So my struggles just build up inside of me, and they hurt my faith in Jesus Christ. I find myself returning to the same sins all the time.
I want to know what it feels like to not lust after a girl when she walks by, i want to know what it feels like to not think of myself first and consider other people, i want to know what it feels like to be free of anger, and hatred, i want to know what it feels like to be complete with God.