more struggles

So the past few months have been kind of tough for me. As most of you know two Colerain firefighters died, and as a firefighter it hit home for me. Going into this career i knew the job was dangerous and stuff, but when this happen i realized that that danger is real. For the first time in my life i am scared. Not a scared of the dark scare, but a scared for my life scare. Now before you think it or say it, i love being a firefighter and would not want to do anything else with my life. These firefighters dying is not going to make me want to do something else with my life, but they have made this job more real and made me think of my career different. The thing is Robin and Brain (the Colerain firefighters) were doing what i will be doing if i go on a fire run. They were doing what i am trained to do. Its hard because its not like they were doing anything wrong, or it was a large industrial fire, it was a typical house fire.
On top of the firefighters dying i lost one of my grandpas. My Grandpa Bowen was a really unique person. He had a tough love about him, that just makes you laugh. It was really hard for my family to see him in the hospital for a week or so. He was on a ventilator and could not talk, but he could hear us and just shook his head yes or no. It was an eye opener to me, just to see what 50 years of smoking can do to a person. Although the situation really sucks there was some good that came out of it. My sister and i got to get up and talk at his funeral. We both decided that our number one goal in talking would be to share the Gospel to our family. So we both shared at the funeral, and it was great, i feel as if our family knows a little something about the Lord now. Hopefully the seed has now been planted and the Lord will put someone in there lives to water the seed and help it grow. And you never know that person my just be me.

Well seeing people you know die is never easy to deal with, but turning to the Lord always seems to help. But guess what i have yet to do that. I really dont understand it sometimes. I know that i love the Lord and that i am living for Him, but what the Hell am i doing. I have to be the worse Christian in the world. Its hard for me because i have this weird thing that goes on in my brain that is hard to explain, but i will try, its like every other though is "Jesus" it crazy, it will be like thought Jesus thought Jesus and its hard getting around it. Its cool and it sucks at the same time.
I have been struggling to be in the word consistently for the past 6 months and nothing seems to be getting any better. I can tell that my daily life is effected by it, my relationship with Jenny is effected by it, my thoughts and words are effected by it, my life is effected when i am not reading, so if i know this then why am i not in the word.

Who knows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry this is a post i have been working on for about a month