The ....................................

So the name of my blog is a New Creation.......... In progress. So I thought it would be very fitting to name this post the .............. So for the past few months, I have been really struggling with my thoughts and my words. I am in a place where I really think I am definded by my work. My work controls my thoughts, my actions, my words, and more then anything how I view people. My job is very hard spiritually on me. Now I know that following the Lord is never easy and I am not making excuses for myself or feeling sorry for myself, I jsut feel that the feild that I am in, really test my faith. I have a job where I am call to help people in need, weather its a medical emergency, a traumatic emergency, a car accident, or a fire (which NEVER HAPPENS). Being in the position I am in, I find it very hard to care and treat people that do not even want to take care of themselves. We make runs on over weight people, people that over dose on every drug out there, elderly people that their family no longer want to care for. It is very hard to see this every day and not have negative thoughts. I have grown to really hate people. Its really sad that even on my days off, I do not see people anymore, all I see are patients. I have grown to really hate the way people are and how they treat themselves. It was not untill a couple weeks ago that I finally realized that I am just not happy anymore. I really just have a terrible outlook on life and a terrible outlook on people. A couple weeks ago my brother and I were driving to a softball game, and we were talking about things and for the first time he said something that really made me think about what I have become. We were talking about the patients I see everyday, and I was saying that I don't feel like they deserve my help, and dont deserve to be taken care of since tomorrow they are going to over dose again, and are going to continue to eat their life away. Timmy looked at me and said, "Kyle, that is the GOSPEL". Timmy was exactly right. Jesus could have said the same things that I was saying about my patients. We as the human race, did not deserve what Jesus did for us. We are not worthy of what He has done for us. From that conversation the Holy Spirit really started to weigh on my heart. I started talking to Petey and Timmy and we started meeting twice a week to just have fellowship, accountability, reading, and prayer with each other. This is something that I have been needing in my life. I want my life to be defined by God, not work. Something that Petey said to me when we have been meeting is that my Job is not a Job, but it should be treated as a extension of my ministry. I do not see my job as that. All I see it as is a pay check. I am very excited to see what God want for my life and what he is going to do in my  life. I finally feel like I am atleast facing the right direction now. I am not walking in the right direction yet, that is going to take some time, but I am at least facing the Lord again. It has been a long time since I have been facing this way. It really makes me upset and angry to see where I am now and just how I have let myself get to this point. Only by the grace of God is my marrage not in shambles. I am married to one of the most patient women in the world. She has been by my side the whole time. There are days where I treat her with disrespect and say hurtful things to her, and she still stays by my side. She is really what has been keeping me going. She has really shown me Gods love for the past few months. I would be in a much worse place if it were not for her.
Along with meeting with Timmy and Petey I am going to hopfully start bloging again. So this should be the start of many more to come.

2 Corinthians 5:17
Therefore if ANYONE is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old is gone and the NEW has come.

why do i get annoyed with people

So i have recently realized that i really get annoyed by people and what they do or say. For what ever reason i am very critical of ppl. I dont know why cause i am not perfect but i guess i just am set in my ways and what i beleive, that when someone does or says something that does not agree with that i get annoyed. Its like once i have decided that a person annoys me i cant even listen to them without getting mad. I dont know i dont like that i do it but i just cant see why they do that, but its really me not them, but in my mine its them.

Well anyways it the greatest time of the year. MARCH MADNESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love march for this reason. I love college basketball, and in march the best games are on. The basketball games seem to just put me in a good mood.

I have been reading a lot more then usual so thats been sweet. I started on Acts a few weeks ago and have been reading it and now jenny and i are doing the 150 psalms in 150 days since march 17th was 150 days away from the wedding. Its been really cool cause i am actually sticking with it. So thats whats been going on in my life since it been awhile since my last blog.

141 days left

The Man I Want To Be

So there is this new song by this country artist that i reall like. His name is Chris Young. He also sings another song called black dress, which is a fantastic song that talks about getting his girl home and dropping her black dress. So its pretty sweet. But anyways back to this song which is called "The man i want to be". The song talks about a man who is talking to God and asking God to make him into a new man for his wife. Some of the lyrics are so cool cause they are some of the same things i have prayed for, for the past 5 years.

God, I'm down here on my knees cause its the last place left to fall.
Beggin for another chance if theres any chance at all that you might still be listenin
Loving and forgivin guys like me, I've spent my whole life getting it all wrong and i sure
could use your help cause from now on

I want to be a good man a do like i should man
I want to be the kind of man the mirror likes to see
I want to be a strong man and admit that i was wrong man
God, i'm asking you to come change me into the man i want to be

If theres anyway for her and me to make another start
could you see what you could do to put some love back in her heart?
Cause it goin to take a miracle
after all i've done to really make her see

That i want to be a stay man
I want to be a brave man
I want to be the kind of man she sees in her dreams
God, i want to be your man
And i want to be her man
God, i only hope she still believes in the man i want to be.

Well i know this late at night the talk is cheap but Lord dont give up on me.
I want to be a givin man
I want to really start livin man
God, I'm asking you to come change me into the man i want to be.
_________________________________________________

So this song kind of says everything that i have wanted for Jenny and my ralationship.
I want God to come change me into the man that i really want to be.
I want to be His man and I want to be her man. But i want to be His man first. I want to be a strong man (Spiritually) which is a work in progress. i want to be able to look in the mirror and like what i see.

So for me i feel like this subject is a broken record for me but its whats on my mind the most. How i want to be a different man for the Lord and if i can do that how i will be a different man for Jenny. I have 173 days until i am married. So from now until then i am going to become that man. Mark my work, i need to be for Him and for her.

God I am asking you to come change me into the man i want to be.

Nothing really to crazy

So there is was really nothing to carzy that has been going on since my last blog on the 27th. I have been working and doing a little YL stuff. I go to go up to Oak hills on Thursday, which was really cool cause all of my co-leaders were there except for mike. We got to meet some new teachers and just see some kids. We ended up spending close to an hour at the school. Then on Friday i got to watch the fourth quarter of the boys bb game and watched a kid that i no but really dont no play.
Its really crazy how different high school is now compared to a few years ago when i was in. Maybe its just the size of Oak Hills compared to Taylor, but i feel like a high schooler is a high schooler no matter where they go. Its just so much different the way kids interact with each other and the things they are getting involved with. I guess that just the progression of kids today. I just started to think about it after going up to the school and hearing to girls argue over getting "layed". I guess. And then after i bowled on Friday night i saw 2 kids fighting out in public and the one kid took his shirt off. IT WAS 17 DEGREES OUTSIDE, ARE YOU NUTS. i just laught and they were fighting over who was more drunk. Again i guess.
Then today i went to a Swim/dive meet at UC for Oak Hills. I have never been to a swim meet and let me tell you, they are weird. Its like "be quite" then cheer then, "be quite" the cheer and it goes on and on. But anyways i saw a few guys there which is always good.

Did not read again today.

195 days left.

Communication

1-27-10
So why is it so hard for two people to communicate with one another? It seems like I am asking myself this question a lot lately. Why can’t I tell her what I want when I want and how I want? I love her and care deeply about her but still, she makes it hard. And apparently its not just hard for me its hard for her too. We had a fight tonight over paint. LOL yes paint. We are getting ready to paint our house and we are trying to figure out what colors we want. Well I brought it up tonight while watching tv. I felt bad cause I can watch tv when she leaves so I suggested we do something, so I went and got the paint schemes that we got from home depot. Well it seemed as if she could care less what I was doing and made that very clear since she never got up and looked at anything with me.

I guess the biggest issue we run into is that we think we know each other so well, which we do, but whenever something is said a certain way or not said at all we get hurt by it, cause we thought it would go different. Like with the paint. I thought she would want to take more of a role in it. I guess not. Well that lead to me being a total ASS, but when emotions are running wild we do things that hurt others. Because of the way I acted after that it caused her to leave, which really sucks cause I did not get to see her the last two nights but I was so angry with her at the time I did not care.

Had an ok day today up until that whole episode. Had to work which was super busy and then I got to do a hang out night with my YL team. I was really looking forward to it and was very happy to have it at my house. The goal for the night was to not talk about any business and just be with one another cause there are some people on the team that think some of us don’t care about each other. Mike made dinner which was very good by the way. After that we played a game. The game was really cool and got all of us talking and laughing. I guess I build things up in my head to be something, and then when they fall short of that I get my feelings hurt. It’s just I thought we would play this game and then just hang out and just be with each other. Well the second the game was over it seemed as if Beth and Alison had to be somewhere else. It’s just made me feel like being with there team was not a priority. It kind of funny how the same people that complain are the same people that cause some of the problems. It just hurt my feelings to see them do. I felt like a gas station where people just come in and use the restroom and then just leave. Its like if there was no restroom here then you would not even stop by. Like I said maybe its how I built it up in my head but regardless I was hurt.

Did not read again today.

199 days left

Trying times

So its hard to blog when you have no internet at your house so this blog and the next are actually done be on 1-25-10 and 1-27-10.

So the more I thought about the whole air port job thing the more I realized that the air port job was something that I wanted for me, and was not something I wanted God to help me with. The job was something that I thought would make me happy with my life, but in all reality if I would have gotten the job I would still be lost with the Lord. So actually by not getting the job I realized all this, so I guess God knew that so that might be why I did not get the job.

So today I did not feel very well, I had to work and had a migraine. Outside of the head ach I had a very boring day. We had no runs which always sucks cause it sets up for a long day. After work I had to go home cause I am an idiot and turned the heat of in my house, (which in freezing temp. that is not a good idea). And the more I thought about it the more I realized that me turning off the thermostat this morning is exactly what I have been doing in my life. I am an idiot and have turned the heat off in my life and not allowing any heat to come in. (heat being Jesus) and the only way the heat can come back on is for me to come home and turn the thermostat back on. No one is going to do it for me cause no one else has a key to my house (house being my heart) I am the only one who can change any of it, so I can leave the thermostat off and have my pipes burst which would be really bad, or turn it back on and have heat throughout my house. So I just need to decide.

But anyways had Yl tonight and it was sweet cause we have two guys that came this week and last week. They are two really cool guys, Nathan and Ryan. Nathan goes to Elder which is going to be weird but cool for me (cause of my strong dislike for the catholic church). And then ryan who is a swimmer and a soccer player and recently lost his dad. So hoping to get to know him to a point where I will be able to talk to him about that.

Working a 24 hour shift tomorrow at the delhi and hoping we are busy.

Thats what i love about sundays

What does it really mean to be a spiritual leader? Its hard for me to say what that means or what that looks like. Its hard for me to resemble something i have never seen before. Its hard cause i know jenny deserves a better spiritual leader. I find it hard to be that type of leader sometimes. Anyways that is something i pray about often and struggle with.
I had a pretty good day today, relaxed for most of it. Got off work this morning at 6 am and came home and slept till about 12 noon. I love my sundays. It is just suck a good day! Jenny and i did our devotional today which was really good. We are doing this devotional on getting married, (Cause we are in 202 days) the hardest part of the devotional is actually doing it. We always find excuses to not do it, (and when i say we i really mean me) but the times we do it has been good. We have alot more to do in it so the big thing for us is just going to make sure we are doing it every week. Its cool to hear what jenny has to say about somethings about what she wants marriage to look like. We have been able to talk about SEX, living together, sacrifices, living for one another, and much more.
Anyways today was a good day, another day with no reading, well i did read in the devotional if that counts, not sure, but hey we can count it. Well long day at work tomorrow and then YL tomorrow night.

You take me back

So today was a good day for me. I was driving home from work this morning and was able to help a friend out. What made the experience awsome was the fact that he had been out all night drinking and even though i do not support that type of life style i can still be apart of his life.
Along with that happening i got to listen to some jermey camp today and i played you take me back and it was so cool to hear the lyric and how much they actually mean to me. I love where it says,
You satisfy this cry of what i am looking for...
You take me back ALWAYS....

These two lines mean the most to me cause they are so true.

Anyways its been a good day, still did not get to read but have been really worshiping Jesus with my thoughts.

Tomorrow is sunday and i will get to see jenny and i am just praying that i will be able to see her for the beautiful women she is and not always want to look at her boobs.

I really need to work on this cause it is really starting to effect the way i am as a man and the way i am as a spiritual leader. Which is another issue in itself.

Long day

So i work all day today with no runs up to this point. It has been a long day. I wish Miami township would be alittle bit more busy. I started to think about the way i spend my days when i am at work, and i realized just how much time i waste doing nothing. Dont get me wrone i love sitting around watching tv, but why is it that i feel like i would rather do that then read my bible or pray. I was listening to Jermey Camp coming into work yesterday and i realized that when i am closes to the Lord, i listen to Christian music. its not that country music is bad or anything, but i cant get any worship out of if. being the type of person that i am, (not liking to read) i need different ways to feel Jesus close to me. So i usally pray a lot, but lately that is all my realtionship is with him. Me talking and not listening, go figure. So last night i worshiped the Lord, and it was awsome. I really do miss that in my life. So for me right now i am making a goal to make sure that when ever i am in my truck that atleast one of the songs i listen to, is going to be worship quality. Now by no means is this going to take over my reading cause it cant, but it is atleast something more then just praying. This way i feel like i can receive something back from the Lord.

I did not get a chance to talk or see Jenny today which sucks cause i will probably not see her tomorrow, but hopefully i will atleast talk to her. Its really crazy how by not talking to someone that you love for just one day makes you want to see them that much more.

I am getting married in 7 short months and i am really nervous. I am going to be living with a women (other then my mom, and sister) for the first time in my life. I am going to be sharing my whole life with this women. Now dont get me wrong i love her, but how is that going to be. I am so set in my ways as far as how i live my daily life, and in 7 months that is all going to change. I am excited about it but very nervous. I am nervous that i am going to disappoint her and make her cry because of something i am going to do or say. I mean lets be honest, i have a way of saying things that can hurt people.

Well for the next 7 months my goal is to start to prepare my heart and my mind for her living with me. We will see!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

My Thoughts

So it has been well over a year since my last blog but I want to get back into it so this is my attempt to do so. Recently Jenny and I started this journaling thing to help us communicate better cause we have been struggling with that. I suck like most of the time with staying consistance with something. I wish i could make more of an effort sometimes. For me just making the effort to accually do something would make a world of difference.

So hopefully by using my blog again i will be able to journal my thoughts. Today suck. I found out i do not get to move onto the next phase in the air port job. I really wanted this job and i hate the way i build these jobs up in my head cause they only lead to disapointment later. I wish i could prove to myself that i am more then just a township firefighter. I mean i love working in the townships but i feel like i have more to offer to the fire service then just a township poistion. Maybe not! Anyways Jenny lyed to me today about what she was feeling. This has been an issue as of late for us, Not sure where it all started from but not completely sharing our feelings is where we have been at. I just wished she would have told me what she was feeling. She got mad cause she thinks i told my mom about the air port job before her. I did but i only did cause my mom asked. Any ways i feel like i am at the point where i dont know where to start to read in the bible. I already hate to read and not knowing where to start compounds that hatrated of reading.
So enough writing i am going to bed its late and have to work tomorrow morning.

Coming back Home............................................

So its been a while but in that time that i last blog i have learned so much. I have been brought to tears with so many issues. I truly feel as if God broke my heart. For the past few months the desire to be in His word and to be with Him has been a joke. It kills me to think that the God who created me just wants to talk to me and have me listen to Him, but yet i want to listen and talk to this world. I have learned for the first time in my life what a true and real friend is. As mush as i want to call my fire class mates my friends, there not. And its not because of personality differences or anything like that, its because the one thing that I NEED in my life, they can help me with. They can't give me the spiritual support that i need. The support that i need from my friends.

This past week i was given the Bible on MP3 and i put it on my MP3 player, This may not seem that big to you but to me this has been the best tool for me. To have someone read the Bible to me has been amazing. I am on Matthew 22 right now, and having someone read it to me, i have picked up on more things then i ever did when i read these chapters myself. For the first time in 6 months, i want to be in the word. This simple MP3 has started me on the path that i want to be on. I have began to worship every night in song and sing to my God. Here are the songs that are on my play list..........

Mac Powell and Fernando Ortega - Our Great God
Mercy Me - God with us
Instrumental - How great Thou art
Leanne Rymes - Amazing Grace

I have learned that when i try to PUSH God away, He PULLS me to Him..

Every day the Love of Christ Amazes me....

I know why i feel so good right now, I am coming back home to the Man, yeah that where my Father lives............................................................