more struggles

So the past few months have been kind of tough for me. As most of you know two Colerain firefighters died, and as a firefighter it hit home for me. Going into this career i knew the job was dangerous and stuff, but when this happen i realized that that danger is real. For the first time in my life i am scared. Not a scared of the dark scare, but a scared for my life scare. Now before you think it or say it, i love being a firefighter and would not want to do anything else with my life. These firefighters dying is not going to make me want to do something else with my life, but they have made this job more real and made me think of my career different. The thing is Robin and Brain (the Colerain firefighters) were doing what i will be doing if i go on a fire run. They were doing what i am trained to do. Its hard because its not like they were doing anything wrong, or it was a large industrial fire, it was a typical house fire.
On top of the firefighters dying i lost one of my grandpas. My Grandpa Bowen was a really unique person. He had a tough love about him, that just makes you laugh. It was really hard for my family to see him in the hospital for a week or so. He was on a ventilator and could not talk, but he could hear us and just shook his head yes or no. It was an eye opener to me, just to see what 50 years of smoking can do to a person. Although the situation really sucks there was some good that came out of it. My sister and i got to get up and talk at his funeral. We both decided that our number one goal in talking would be to share the Gospel to our family. So we both shared at the funeral, and it was great, i feel as if our family knows a little something about the Lord now. Hopefully the seed has now been planted and the Lord will put someone in there lives to water the seed and help it grow. And you never know that person my just be me.

Well seeing people you know die is never easy to deal with, but turning to the Lord always seems to help. But guess what i have yet to do that. I really dont understand it sometimes. I know that i love the Lord and that i am living for Him, but what the Hell am i doing. I have to be the worse Christian in the world. Its hard for me because i have this weird thing that goes on in my brain that is hard to explain, but i will try, its like every other though is "Jesus" it crazy, it will be like thought Jesus thought Jesus and its hard getting around it. Its cool and it sucks at the same time.
I have been struggling to be in the word consistently for the past 6 months and nothing seems to be getting any better. I can tell that my daily life is effected by it, my relationship with Jenny is effected by it, my thoughts and words are effected by it, my life is effected when i am not reading, so if i know this then why am i not in the word.

Who knows!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry this is a post i have been working on for about a month

I want to be close to the Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So it has been a really really long time since i last blog. I have been avoiding this blog for quite some time. I knew i needed to blog and get somethings off my chest but i just could not bring myself to do it. So to start i finally passed my EMT class. To me this has been the hardest, worst, best, and most emotional 9 months of my life. For the past 9 months i have been going to this class that i have hated and it has sucked. I have had to study my ass off. (sorry i did not know what other word would really express how much i have been studying) To be real, i have not really been myself for the past 9 months. I was in this place where i knew i did not want to be, and therefore i was not happy. I have been so stressed out over this class it is unreal. This class has consumed my life it feels like.
So as you just read i have been stuck in EMT school for the past 9 months and i would say that in those 9 months the only book i have read is that EMT book. Yeah that means i have not read my BIBLE for the past 9 months. yeah go ahead and say it, i suck. And the thing is i had plenty of time to read i just chose not to, why, i don't no. I am not really sure where Jesus and i stand right now. I do no that i love Him and i no He loves me, but outside that, not to sure. I have not grown spiritually in 9 months. I have not been in the word in 9 months, i have not done anything with the Lord in 9 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So now that i am done with EMT school, and the 9 months from HELL, i feel as if an elephant has been lifted of me. I feel so happy and energized. I got to go play golf for the first time this year. I went by myself and just talk to God and vented and let go of somethings that i was holding on to. I read my Bible (and when i say i read my Bible i really mean listened) for the first time in 9 months. I have thought about the Lord, like i use to. I feel as if i am starting over.
So to finish up, EMT school sucked but i am done and i am trying to pick up my relationship with the Lord again and find Him and be with Him. I want to be challenged in my walk again, i want to see Jesus in a new light and walk with Him. I want to be close to the Lord!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jenny and Me

So the past few month have been pretty hard on Jenny and Me. To start off Jenny decided to come home for good. This was pretty hard on her and there was a lot of tears. I felt like the worst boyfriend ever because i never knew what to say or do. It was hard for me sometimes to talk to her because i am not good at the whole crying thing.
Next Jenny and i have struggled with keeping a God centered relationship. Its not that Christ has nothing to do with our relationship, it just we struggle with our alone time. If we could be like we are in a group setting all the time, there would be no issues, but its not. Just like every other guy in this world i struggle with lust, and when it comes to Jenny, the problem is the worst.
There have been times when i will look at her and only see her for her " Features" AKA .... her boobs. I know i suck as a boyfriend.
It really hurts my relationship with J.C. because in a way i don't want to give Him that control over my life. It almost as if i like doing it, even though i know i don't. Since my relationship with the Lord suffers, Jenny and Mine does too. As the "Spiritual Leader " in the relationship i feel as though i am failing. To be honest, Jenny is probably closer to the Lord right now then i am.
Sometimes i wonder if i love Jesus more than i love Jenny. Cause if i truly loved the Lord more then Jenny wouldn't i want to spend more time with Him? I think so.

Sorry its been so long since last post but trying to get back into it.

Being good enough

The past month or so, my life has been based off of being good enough.

Deep down inside of me I think I am good enough, but then something happens and it makes me question it. I have been brought to a place where I feel like I have to meet a certain standard or else I will be a failure. My biggest fear in life is failing, so when I do fail I feel broken.

In the past month I have been a failure and have been successful. It’s hard for me to want to love God in my times of distress but I know He is the person who can comfort me the most. I have learned more about who God really is in my life in the past month then I have in this past year. He has been the only thing in my life that has never failed me, and even when I fail Him, He still loves me.

God is the rock in my life and i am so very bless to have Him.
To not have God in my life would be like Tiger Woods not having his 3 wood. He just is not the same golfer with out it.

Why is it that i hate so much?

So lately i have realized that i hate a lot of things. Its funny cause i hate the word hate and yet i always use it (I just did it there to make a joke). But any who i feel like sometimes i "Hate" good things, and i "hate" things that i should enjoy. Like i "hate" Church. For some reason i really do not like church. I know this is bad, but its true, for some reason i can not convince myself to get up on Sunday morning to go, yet I know i should and i know that church should be a place to be fed at but i can get into it. Now i have gone to many churches of different denominations and i can honestly say that there is not church that i can get up for every Sunday and want to go.
For anyone who does not know me i "hate" reading. So this makes reading the Bible really hard sometimes. I have never been the best reader in the world to start and i have just gone from that to just not reading. Not reading hides that fact that i can read very well i guess, so i don't read a lot of the times. I feel like God is going to laugh at me like people do when i don't know how to say a word, but thats totally not true, but thats the way my brain works. The only way that i will read is if its something i am into. Most of the time this is sports. I have no problem reading about sports and whats going on in the world of sports but when it comes to just reading a book, i cant. So for me the hardest part about reading the Bible is, finding something that i want to read. I look for passages where i can really relate to and this helps a lot.
Not only do i "hate" to go to Church and read i also "hate" to write things down. I guess the fact that i cant spell would explain this one. I have to be one of the worst spellers in the world, my goodness. Sometimes i feel as though i should have to go back to like 3rd grade an re-learn how to read and write all over again. Since i started this blog i find it very easy to write, first off i am not technically writing, but you get my drift, and secondly i love having a spell check, this makes writing so much easier. I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So these are just a few things that have really been on my heart, and have been what i have been trying to solve. So any suggestions would be sweet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What I would give the World For.......

If someone where to come up to me and ask me, " if you could have anything in the world what would it be?" i would respond by saying a Christian father. Every night for the past 3 years i have prayed for my father. I have longed for him to know Jesus in a personal way. I have longed for him to know that he is forgiven for his sins, and has a spot in Heaven waiting for him. I find it so hard to pray for him sometimes, when i see how he treats my mother. I wish i knew what a Christian marriage looked like, and how it functioned. I wish i could look at my father and see God in him and want to be like him.
I can tell you that treating Jenny right has really been a struggle for me. Jenny is the most amazing women i know and has a heart for the Lord, and is, and has been a blessing in my life. I try so hard to treat her like she deserves but i still fail. I find myself acting just like my father, and treating her the same way he has treated my mother.
Lately has been good as far as my parents are concerned, they are seeing someone to fix things and it has been great to see how that is playing a role in their marriage. I have learned so much from my parents and know that they love me so very much. But years of mistreatment is starting to come out in me.
I would like to finish by saying, i will always pray for my earthly father and i know that God will answer in His own time, and my earthly father will one day be united with my Heavenly Father. This will truly be the best day in my life. But for now i look at my earthly father as the man he is, and try and show him the love that God shows me every day.

A "great Chrisitan" ?

"I wake up ever day trying to live life to the fullest"! My hope is by saying this it will make me out to look like this "great Christian." It sucks because of some of my actions from day to day that make that "great Christian" thing a joke. So in a way i feel like sometimes I am living this double life that consistently eat away at me. I try so hard to keep people out of my deepest problems and struggles so that way they only see the "great Christian" in me.
I wish I could let every person that i come into contact with know that I am not a "great Christian." I feel as though people could relate to me better if they knew that i struggle with some very deep stuff, but sharing those deep struggles is what gets me. As a male in today's society we are told to not share our weaknesses and or our emotions. So my struggles just build up inside of me, and they hurt my faith in Jesus Christ. I find myself returning to the same sins all the time.
I want to know what it feels like to not lust after a girl when she walks by, i want to know what it feels like to not think of myself first and consider other people, i want to know what it feels like to be free of anger, and hatred, i want to know what it feels like to be complete with God.